I snapped again today. Its less than 2 weeks since the last time I snapped. This is worrying. But I came back to reality quicker than the last one. Last one lasted almost half the day. Full afternoon.

Today, its because my husband decided to go and play futsal. I was okay. We as a whole family went together. My son had a good time, it was easy to put the baby to sleep. Until – its time to go back. My second child refuse to go home. He wanted to stay on.

He started to cry. Very loudly. And surprisingly, my husband tries to act like he don’t know what to do. He pick the 2nd boy up, he walked towards the car, and stop just beside my window while looking at me. I was like, “why do you stop, put him in the car and let drive back!”

He put the 2nd at the back. By that time, boy was already crying frantically. There’s annoyance inside me that slowly wanted to crawl out.

Husband had the gut to show his annoyance to my 2nd boy. It was all his fault afterall. He knew he brought the whole family out. It was suppose to be our day but no, he decided it was going to be his futsal night. By bringing us along, it should be a family day out – at 11.00 o’clock at night. He was wrong – damn wrong.

He should know better. He was the dad. He was afterall, the leader of the house, man of the house. He should be responsible of the timing the kids should be in bed. Unfortunately, he wanted to be the ‘cool’ dad. Nope, I don’t grow up like that.

With his annoyance are shown more and more to his face, he started to develop anger towards the 2nd child because he haven’t stop crying. At some point this time, as much as I wanted to control myself and be aware of what was happening, trying to be rational, I snapped. I snapped and started to be violence towards my 2nd. I can’t put my anger towards my husband, even if I could – he wouldn’t understand this. He can’t. He wasn’t brought up like this.

When I snapped, I shouted to my son, I shouted to him. I became violent. I hold my son’s should too hard. I push him back to his sit, at one time when he resist, I threw him back to his sit. It was just reflex. I wish I didn’t do that. I don’t know why I can’t control my emotion or my actions.

Is this just me? Am I a bad mom. What if its not depression, its just me not knowing how to control my emotion and anger. What if, this is me, trying to lash out to my kid because I can’t do that to my husband because he can’t understand.

I wish I understand myself better. Or this illness. Why can’t I be normal? Why do I snap at times I shouldn’t be.

Will my kids grow up becoming me? Will they go through depression as well? They say it genetic. I wish its not.

I love my kids so much. Both of them. I don’t want them to become who I was, or who my husband was. I want the best for them. Will a mother’s prayer truely be answered? With all these sin, will I have the power of a mother’s prayer?

God help me.

Someone help me.